Everything


What makes you laugh?

The question is, ” What makes you laugh?”

The answer, for me, is “Everything.”

Everything is fair game as a subject for a laugh, and I can find humour in just about any situation.

I will laugh at jokes, be they one liners

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

or shaggy dog stories

A tall, weather-worn cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger’s hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket, and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper. The sheriff walks in, and of course, he arrests him immediately — for rustling.

Nothing gives me greater pleasure than sharing a “dad joke” or, in my case, “grandad joke” with my grandchildren, especially if it elicits a “Oh Grandad!!!” response accompanied by a groan. 

What’s an owl’s favorite kind of dance? The hooooooola!


What’s a ballerina’s favourite numbers? Two-two!

To be fair, these usually trigger eye rolling from my wife and kids, too.

Also, I am not averse to a little schadenfreude

e.g. after a waiter treats you badly, you secretly enjoy seeing him trip and slop food on the floor

I am pretty sure my sense of humour has been developed due to exposure to my father, ex matelot, and policeman.

My dad had to deal with many incidents as a policeman, and at times, his humour was quite dark. I think most folks who work in emergency services develop dark humour as a form of protection. I think some of that rubbed off on me.

My sense of humour was further enhanced by my working life, initially as a Fitter & Turner in Pompey Dockyard working with like-minded colleagues as well as alongside more matelots on RN ships.

Matelots have a wide ranging, some might say, disrespecting humour. Brought about by the unique environment in which they work. Again, working alongside some of these guys has had an effect on me.

So, everything has a funny side, at sometime, you just need a warped mind like mine to see it.

And finally …..

1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”

3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.

5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.

6. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

7. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

8. What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.

The Garden Show – Stansted Park


Stansted House

It is always a good sign when the notices go out advertising the annual garden show at Stansted Park

It means that Summer has truly arrived.

The annual show is a brilliant event and is, usually, graced with reasonable weather.

We’ll be there. Will you ?

https://app.portsmouth.co.uk/2024/03/22/the-garden-shows-set-to-return-to-stansted-park-this-summer/content.html

The Garden Show at Stansted Park

Happy St George’s Day


Follow the link below to see my previous thoughts on  how little we think of the English patron saint compared to the patron saints of the other countries that make up the United Kingdom.

https://siskinbob.com/2011/03/23/once-more-for-emsworth-and-st-george-what-about-the-rest-of-the-country/

This year, my online calendar doesn’t even mention St. George’s day. And yet, staring me in the face are entries for St. Patrick and St. David both celebrated in the same month.

The people of this country do my head in. They get bent out of shape because Nike introduce a multi colour version for the England football strip, but seemingly ignore St. George, for whom the flag is a symbol.

And let’s not forget that the cross of St. George forms an integral part, if not the basis, of the Union Flag symbol of Great Britain, the United Kingdom.

I did a quick trawl of the interweb to find out what was happening in my area to celebrate St. George’s Day. Well, apparently,  not much.

I found several instances referring to parades and services associated with Chichester Cathedral. Sadly, they were all for years gone by.

Also sad, if there is any truth in it, is this text

We do recognise St George’s day In England, although as a more multicultural society it is not observed by all. There is also an air or Political correctness that abounds in England today that the St George’s flag (white with Red Cross) is viewed by some as racist.

https://www.quora.com/

Racist !!! Where the hell did that come from ? The national flag of multicultural  England is racist. More woke/BLM bullshit.

Similarly, another snippet

Observed on the 23rd of April each year, you’ll find parades and a range of celebratory activities popping up around England. Expect to see the symbol of St George (a flag with a red and white cross) everywhere, as well as people flooding the streets and local pubs, as well as church services.

https://www.rabbies.com/en/blog/how-celebrate-st-georges-day-2024#:~:text=Observed%20on%20the%2023rd%20of,as%20well%20as%20Church%20services.

At the grand old age of seventy-two, I can safely say that I have never seen a parade for St. George, nor people flooding the streets.

Most churches will hold services for St. George and some pubs will certainly put up some bunting and promote St. George, in the hope of drawing in a few more punters.

But, St. George is not embedded in our psyche. If we had a national holiday, then more people might sit up and take notice.

But that isn’t any more likely now than it was in 2011 when I lasted posted on this subject.

A Little Prog Rock Please


This was us, Gerry, me and a couple of friends out for a Fridays entertainment.

Honestly, we were in the stalls, somewhere just left of centre, three rows from the  back.

The picture was taken at the very end of the show by Genesis Connected, a very competent tribute act.

I have been a Genesis fan since the early 70’s. In fact, the first time I saw them live, they were only 2nd or 3rd on the bill, still very much on the rise.

I followed them closely, seeing them live every time they visited Portsmouth. That is  until Peter Gabriel departed.

After that, I found it very difficult to differentiate between Genesis with Phil Collins taking the lead vocals or a Phil Collins solo effort.

This new phase for Genesis saw the band transition from Prog-Rock to Pop-Rock, and my interest in Genesis waned.

Not having any prior knowledge of this act, I will admit to being a little disappointed during the first half of the show. I was expecting more offerings from Prog-Rock Genesis.

Where were tracks from Trespass, Nursery Cryme, Foxtrot, Selling England By The Pound, and The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway ?

Turns out that I was being a tad unfair. The image below tells why.

“Celebrating the hits ….”

Genesis didn’t start to have hits until they transitioned to Pop-Rock, although they did enter the UK charts with a track taken from Selling England By The Pound. I Know What I Like was a minor hit, reaching number 21 in April 1974.

Once I had rationalised what this band was about, I began to enjoy the show more.

We were treated to crowd pleasers such as Living Years and Cup Of Coffee from Mike and The Mechanics, Biko, Sledgehammer,  and surprisingly Panopticom from Peter Gabriel, but for the most part, this was a Phil Collins love-in with songs such as In The Air Tonight, Easy Lover, Turn It On Again, Invisible Touch, Sussudio and more besides.

Genesis Connected had the audience singing along, clapping, and even dancing for the final song of the night.

All in all, it was a polished performance. I sang and clapped with the rest of the audience but when it was over I was left hankering for the Return Of The Giant,  Hogweed, The Knife, Watcher Of The Skies, just a little more Prog-Rock.

Having said all that, I would go to see them again. I’ll just have to get my Prog-Rock fix elsewhere.

What Tattoo ?


What tattoo do you want and where would you put it?

I have never ever felt the need to have a tattoo. In my mind, it is a form of self mutilation and is in the same category as body piercing.

Some friends in my peer age group who have tattoos have also expressed their regret at having them.

It seems to me that it is a young person’s affectation or ….

…. is it just me being a grumpy old man?

Local Council At Fault


Simon Carter states that the only way to reinvigorate our town centres is to shut down the internet !!!

https://app.portsmouth.co.uk/full_page_image/page-22-1834/content.html

To a certain extent, he is correct. The Internet is a contributing factor but not the sole reason Waterlooville is in such a sorry state.

And, of course, 60’s architecture isn’t wholly to blame either. But, it doesn’t help to alleviate the sad, drab appearance of Waterlooville centre.

Bright sunshine goes a long way to enhance the appearance of the shop fronts. But despite the sunshine, what is notable is the lack of people. Just two people walking thru and nobody sitting at the tables outside the cafe.

Compare that view to the picture I took last week on a dull day.

Not a single person in sight and no amount of sunshine is going to improve this view.

A significant factor in Waterloovilles’ demise was the decision to divert the A3 and to pedestrianise the main thoroughfare and therefore removing passing trade.

Further planning decisions to allow the development of retail parks away from the town centre have further reduced the footfall needed to sustain the businesses that have disappeared over the years.

The diverted A3 subdivided Waterlooville, and with the retail park providing free parking, while the town centre car parks charged for the dubious pleasure, there was further incentive to stay away.

Blaming the Internet is too easy and distracts from the part that Havant Borough Council had to play in getting Waterlooville to its current state.

Travelling Back In Time


Yesterday was a real memory jogger for me and my fellow travellers.

Sunday was Mothers Day or Mothering Sunday in the UK, but instead of the usual lunch or cream tea, we opted to visit Milestones Museum at Basingstoke.

LIFE IN HAMPSHIRE PAST

Milestones tells the story of how people used to live, the things they used and the work they did. The maze of Victorian and 1930s streets is packed with shops, factories and houses, most based on original buildings from in and around Basingstoke.

If you enjoy shopping, you’ll discover what the high street was like before the arrival of chain stores: the milliner, saddler, and ironmonger all offer a glimpse into shopping habits of the past.

Our group of six comprised four generations of family. My wife Gerry, the mother, Marie, our daughter, Becky, our  granddaughter, and Junior, our great grandson. With Marie’s husband Karl and I, a couple of casual hangers on.

When you enter the museum building, you are actually up above the roof tops.

This view only hints at the true nature of the museum.

Steam Roller

I can just remember, as a small boy, seeing these fabulous steam engines being used to flatten newly laid tarmac. And, also the sound and smells of these huge beasts.

Down into the depths of the museum, your perspective changes as more is revealed.

Our first stop was to the “Penny Arcade,” which evoked memories of visits to the seaside and strolling along the piers at Brighton, Southsea, and Hastings.

Pac Man

Milestones helps to keep the seaside memory alive by piping the sounds seagull cries and the rushing of the waves on a shingle beach.

Super Mario Brothers

Here, you can purchase pennies to feed the machines, or in the case of these more modern video games, it’s fifty pence a go.

Super Mario Brothers

Having satisfied our gambling needs we moved out into the museum proper but not before lingering in front of the mirrors.

Well, it had to be done.

And so we  came to this jumble of bicycles. I pretty sure the bright red one was probably a posties bike and the black one just behind was probably a butchers delivery bike.

I actually rode one of those to deliver papers when I was a kid. My round only consisted of around seventeen houses, but they were spread over a couple of miles, a four mile round trip every day.

One of the major vehicle producers in Hampshire was Thornycroft. They were founded in 1896, 128 years ago. The museum has many examples of their vehicles.

Thornycroft Handy – Type BE/FB4
Thornycroft A10 ‘Bulldog’ Lorry

But the museum isn’t all about road vehicles. There is much to see that gives an insight into the way we lived back in the day.

Unfortunately, this “room” is more a work in progress. The next one is better, a bit cosier but no tele yet.

Post-war was a period of massive change both technologically but also on the social front.

As a child, I remember mum and dad getting a new fangled electric cooker to replace the clunky old gas one. Not long after, they got a refrigerator, and it even had a freezer compartment big enough to make some ice cubes.

How did we ever survive without the modern labour saving appliances.

This picture shows a Rolls “twin tub,” a combined washing machine and spin dryer.

My parents had a Hoover version, which replaced their gas-fired “copper.” There were no fancy programs there. Turn on the gas, light it, and wait for the water to heat up. I think all laundry was effectively boiled. Compare that to today’s multi programmable machines.

Hoover Keymatic

The Hoover Keymatic from the 1960s was a step towards today’s automatic machines. It was a front loader and had a plastic “key” that controlled the machines program.

Lose that key, and you couldn’t use the machine.

Part of the Milestones experience is to use a replica wartime Ration Card to purchase some sweets. The queue yesterday was significantly shorter than the last time we visited.

As it was Mothers Day, the alternative option was to go to the Baverstock Arms, representative of a typical British pub of the times. There all mums got a free glass of Prosecco.

Karl and I didn’t  miss out as we were able to have a hand pumped ale.

I knicked this photo from Milestones’ website. How many modern devices can you spot in this “traditional” pub. On the mirror, you can see etched, the name “George Gale & Co Ltd”

Gales were a local brewery based in Horndean, just a couple of miles from where I live. They were famous for one of my favourite tipples, known as HSB, which stands for Horndean Special Bitter.

HSB was first launched in 1959. It was Gales flagship beer and is still available to this day. Gales brewery was founded in 1847 but was bought by London brewers, Fuller’s of Chiswick, in 2005. The Horndean brewery was closed in 2006. The brewery site has been redeveloped into residential properties, although the tower still remains.

Double decker bus waiting to carry us home from the Baverstock Arms.

Yet another fine example of a steam roller, this one manufactured by Tasker and Sons Ltd. of Andover. This Hampshire based company was founded in 1813, 211 years ago.

In the background is a representation of Webbers Garage with a fine pair of vehicles for sale.

And finally, an example of the old enameled advertisements that used to decorate our streets.

If You Carry A Knife You Are Planning To Kill


In my view, if you leave home carrying a knife, then you are already of the mindset that you may use it.

If you use it, then you must be aware that you are, potentially, going to kill someone.

That is not manslaughter. That is murder.

While Betteridge didn’t take the knife out, he must have accepted it from Hansen, and he did wield it with tragic consequences.

And, again, in my view, Hansen, who supplied the knife, bears equal responsibility and should also be charged with murder.

Neither Betteridge nor Hansen can be unaware of the countrywide incidents involving knives and the subsequent consequences.

Far too many knife related deaths are being reported on TV and in the press.

And yet, Hansen still carried a knife out onto the streets and at some time passed it to Betteridge, who then used it to such devastating effect.

In the early hours of Saturday, August 5th, 2023, the lives of three eighteen year olds were changed forever, along with the lives of their friends and family.

https://app.portsmouth.co.uk/full_page_image/page-11-2029/content.html

RIP Malcolm


https://www.sussexexpress.co.uk/news/people/sussex-mourns-bonfire-legend-who-provided-the-big-bangs-at-fireworks-displays-across-the-county-4534451?page=2

I want to take a few moments to mention Malcolm Foster.

Malcolm was a school chum who lived a few doors down the road from where I lived. We used to muck around in the village of Westfield, where we lived.

We went to school together, initially at Westfield’s own primary school, which was just a few minutes’ walk up our road. And then, later, joining the Cooks Coaches’ daily school run to Claverham County Secondary School at Battle.

At the weekends and in school holidays, it was breakfast and out. We would go exploring the countryside for miles around on our bikes.  Occasionally, we would ride out to Brede village and its namesake river, with our fishing rods on the hunt for Roach, Perch, and eels. Our parents never knew where we were, and there were no mobile phones back then. No packed lunch, either. We might have scrumped a few apples, and I do remember sitting in a field of Kale chomping down on a few leafy stalks. I dread to think what might have been sprayed on those fields.

My father was the village bobby, and it was normal police practice to change officers’ assignments every couple of years or so. We had moved to Westfield from Lewes, and then sadly, our family had to move away from Westfield.

We didn’t move far, just to Battle. For me, it was just a few minutes’ walk from our new house to Claverham. But it did mean that I didn’t have the daily coach ride with Malcolm, and also, the ripple effect was that there were no after-school or weekend jaunts. So, inevitably, we drifted off into different social groups.

Over the years, we have communicated sporadically, but without the aid of current social media it was difficult.

So, although we didn’t remain close friends, I do have some happy memories.

And, from what I have been reading recently, Malcolm lived a full life with lots of friends.

RIP Malcolm Foster. My thoughts go out to all your friends and family.