Matilda Bay


On the Swan River there is a natural bay, Matilda Bay which is believed to have been named after Matilda, the wife of John Septimus Roe. He was, in the 1800s, the first Surveyor-General of Western Australia and was, for a number of years, a member of Western Australia’s legislative and executive councils.

Whats so interesting about Matilda Bay you may ask.

Nothing, I might have responded, if I hadn’t be commuting along the Mounts Bay Road, every day Monday thru Friday for the last couple of months. Due these regular trips I became aware of two features of the Matilda Bay shore line.

The first being a bronze statue, of a woman preparing to dive, mounted on a pedestal some meters offshore.  Eliza  is located at the site of the former Crawley Baths.

Apparently, when they opened in 1914, the baths were the largest enclosed body of water in the southern hemisphere. They were demolished in 1964.

Eliza – Matilda Bay, Perth, W.A.

Although Eliza was just dressed in seagull poo yesterday, during my many passes she has been adorned with all manner of clothing, banners and balloons. No one is sure who dresses Eliza but past costumes have included a Santa Claus outfit with beard and coincident with the Melbourne Cup, a frock and champagne flute.

The second feature to catch my eye is the Crawley Edge Boat Shed

Crawley Edge Boat Shed – Perth, W.A.

A few years ago this structure was due to be demolished. Like the phoenix it has risen again and has become another icon of Perth, with many tourists travelling here to specifically take selfies.

Crawley Edge Boat Shed – Perth, W.A.

Note: Mounts Bay Road is a very busy road. There are no parking facilities adjacent to either of these features. The nearest parking requires a short, not unpleasant, walk along the shore line.

One Stop Shop Robbery 27 Jan


Lets get this guy put away.

horndeanmatters

On Monday this week, 27th January 2020, The One Stop on Five Heads Road was robbed. The robber is described as Male, dressed in a black coat with hood up and dark tight jeans of tracksuit bottoms with white trainers. He was also wearing a pair of tights over his head and carrying a Blue Lonsdale ‘Bag for Life’. The robber got away with cash and cigarettes.

If you have been offered cigarettes for sale at a cheap price, or saw a red and white mini which was seen nearby at the time of the robbery the police would like to hear from you. The mini driver may been involved, or have seen something that can help the police.

If you can help please call the police on 101 and quote reference 44200033501 or crimestoppers on 0800 555111 where you can leave anonymous information.

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Araluen – An Afternoon Stroll


Monday and it’s time to clear out of the Perth suburbs and get some fresh air. Where better to go than Araluen Botanical Park.

We have visited a few times before but never tire of returning. There is always something to see and during the week, in term time, so tranquil. There were only a few cars in the car park and once we were in the park everyone was so spread out it was as if we had the place to ourselves.

 

Part way round the park we popped into Chalet Healy Cafe, where they prepared lunch, a very nice Seafood Basket for each of us. Each basket comprising fish, prawns, scallops, and fish bites with chips and salad. Very tasty.

On any visit to Araluen, you never know what you will see, as you follow the many meandering paths. On this occasion we were treated to a close up view of a bird of prey, too quick to be captured in a photo. A large, almost black, lizard that darted under the steps to the cafe. Around the pool there were several families of ducks, Terrapins and large gold fish.

Winter Fuel Allowance


WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE

About this time of the year, “older taxpayers” will again be receiving
another ‘Winter Fuel’ payment.

This is indeed a very exciting programme and I’ll explain it by using
a Q & A format:
Q.What is a ‘Winter Fuel’ payment?
A.It is money the government will send to taxpayers.

Q.Where will the government get this money?
A.From taxpayers.

Q.So, the government is giving me back my own money?
A.Only a smidgen of it.

Q.What is the purpose of this payment?
A.The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity…or perhaps high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A.Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the UK economy by
spending your ‘Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:
*If you spend the money at ASDA or Tesco, the money will go to China ,
Taiwan or Sri Lanka.

*If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

*If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China

*If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras
and Guatemala .

*If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea .

*If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan .

*If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1). Spending it at car boot sales. 2).Going to night clubs. 3). Spending it on prostitutes.

4). Buying beer or whiskey. 5). Getting yourself a tattoo. 6). Visiting a bookie.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion: Be patriotic! Go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me…I’m just glad I could be of help.

Let All The Kids Go Green


My sister posted this on Facebook. Not sure of its origins but it’s to good not to share.

After our daughter of fifteen years of age was moved to tears by the speech of Greta Thunberg at the UN the other day, she became angry with our generation “who had been doing nothing for thirty years.”

So, we decided to help her prevent what the girl on TV announced of “massive eradication and the disappearance of entire ecosystems.”

We are now committed to give our daughter a future again, by doing our part to help cool the planet four degrees.

From now on she will go to school on a bicycle, because driving her by car costs fuel, and fuel puts emissions into the atmosphere. Of course it will be winter soon and then she will want to go by bus, but only as long as it is a diesel bus.

Somehow, that does not seem to be conducive to ‘helping the Climate’.

Of course, she is now asking for an electric bicycle, but we have shown her the devastation caused to the areas of the planet as a result of mining for the extraction of Lithium and other minerals used to make batteries for electric bicycles, so she will be pedaling, or walking. Which will not harm her, or the planet. We used to cycle and walk to school too.

Since the girl on TV demanded “we need to get rid of our dependency on fossil fuels” and our daughter agreed with her, we have disconnected the heat vent in her room. The temperature is now dropping to twelve degrees in the evening, and will drop below freezing in the winter, we have promised to buy her an extra sweater, hat, tights, gloves and a blanket.

For the same reason we have decided that from now on she only takes a cold shower. She will wash her clothes by hand, with a wooden washboard, because the washing machine is simply a power consumer and since the dryer uses natural gas, she will hang her clothes on the clothes line to dry.

Speaking of clothes, the ones that she currently has are all synthetic, so made from petroleum. Therefore on Monday, we will bring all her designer clothing to the secondhand shop.

We have found an eco store where the only clothing they sell is made from undyed and unbleached linen, wool and jute.

It shouldn’t matter that it looks good on her, or that she is going to be laughed at, dressing in colorless, bland clothes and without a wireless bra, but that is the price she has to pay for the benefit of The Climate.

Cotton is out of the question, as it comes from distant lands and pesticides are used for it. Very bad for the environment.

We just saw on her Instagram that she’s pretty angry with us. This was not our intention.

From now on, at 7 p.m. we will turn off the WiFi and we will only switch it on again the next day after dinner for two hours. In this way we will save on electricity, so she is not bothered by electro-stress and will be totally isolated from the outside world. This way, she can concentrate solely on her homework. At eleven o’clock in the evening we will pull the breaker to shut the power off to her room, so she knows that dark is really dark. That will save a lot of CO2.

She will no longer be participating in winter sports to ski lodges and resorts, nor will she be going on anymore vacations with us, because our vacation destinations are practically inaccessible by bicycle.

Since our daughter fully agrees with the girl on TV that the CO2 emissions and footprints of her great-grandparents are to blame for ‘killing our planet’, what all this simply means, is that she also has to live like her great-grandparents and they never had a holiday, a car or even a bicycle.

We haven’t talked about the carbon footprint of food yet.

Zero CO2 footprint means no meat, no fish and no poultry, but also no meat substitutes that are based on soy (after all, that grows in farmers fields, that use machinery to harvest the beans, trucks to transport to the processing plants, where more energy is used, then trucked to the packaging/canning plants, and trucked once again to the stores) and also no imported food, because that has a negative ecological effect. And absolutely no chocolate from Africa, no coffee from South America and no tea from Asia.

Only homegrown potatoes, vegetables and fruit that have been grown in local cold soil, because greenhouses run on boilers, piped in CO2 and artificial light. Apparently, these things are also bad for The Climate. We will teach her how to grow her own food.

Bread is still possible, but butter, milk, cheese and yogurt, cottage cheese and cream come from cows and they emit CO2. No more margarine and no oils will be used for the frying pan, because that fat is palm oil from plantations in Borneo where rain forests first grew.

No ice cream in the summer. No soft drinks and no energy drinks, as the bubbles are CO2. She wanted to lose some pounds, well, this will help her achieve that goal too.

We will also ban all plastic, because it comes from chemical factories. Everything made of steel and aluminum must also be removed. Have you ever seen the amount of energy a blast furnace consumes or an aluminum smelter? Uber bad for the climate!

We will replace her 9600 coil, memory foam pillow top mattress, with a jute bag filled with straw,with a horse hair pillow.

And finally, she will no longer be using makeup, soap, shampoo, cream, lotion, conditioner, toothpaste and medication. Her sanitary napkins will be replaced with pads made of linen, that she can wash by hand, with her wooden washboard, just like her female ancestors did before climate change made her angry at us for destroying her future.

In this way we will help her to do her part to prevent mass extinction, water levels rising and the disappearance of entire ecosystems.

If she truly believes she wants to walk the talk of the girl on TV, she will gladly accept and happily embrace her new way of life.

Nerves


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done and what he could do about his nerves. The Monsignor replied, “Just in case I start getting nervous at the pulpit, I always have a glass of vodka next to the water bottle. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he started to get nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his chamber after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat me.”

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the Cherry”.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God”. and finally…

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.