Tag: humour

Haggis Herders – Rare Photo


The Haggis, rich in vitamins and minerals is reputed to give the Scots super human powers, making Scottish soldiers feared worldwide.

The largest domesticated Scottish haggis herd to ever exist was raised in the town of Selkirk, nestled in the Scottish Borders.

Their faces were much cherished for use as Sporans on Burns Night.

These are the Lowland Haggis. They can be differentiated from the Highland Haggis by examining their legs. The Highland variety had shorter legs on one side to enable them to run around the mountains.

Unfortunately, this led to their extinction as they could only run one way and were easily caught.

There has always been a huge argument amongst highland Jocks and lowland Jocks as which was the best for Burns Night.

Community Service


One day, a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I can’t accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ‘I can’t accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then, an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can’t accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

As Margaret Thatcher said: “Both politicians and nappies need to be changed often and for the same reason!”

Contradictory


I saw this on Facebook Marketplace.

I thought that acoustic by definition was without amplification !!!

Paraprosdokians !


Didn’t know the word until recently but, apparently, Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.

So, try these on for size …

  1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.
  3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  5. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  7. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.
  10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put “DOCTOR.”
  11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street…with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
  15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  16. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  17. There’s a fine line between cuddling and…holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  18. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
  19. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  21. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  23. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  24. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.