Category: Humour

The Most Terrifying Elevator Prank Ever


This is fabulous. I saw it the other evening after my granddaughter posted it on Facebook. Question raised in my mind …. surely someone gave her a slap. They can’t all have been so wimpy.

Drinking during pregnancy increases likelihood of giving birth to X Factor fan


My worst fears have been confirmed. This explains why we have X Factor inflicted on us with such regularity. I wonder how early in the pregnancy you have to be absorbing alcohol. Given that many conceptions start as a result of excess alcohol is it possible that future X Factor fans are being determined at that time.

Drinking during pregnancy increases likelihood of giving birth to X Factor fan.

Pensioners Revenge – Thanks Den


Didn’t like shopping there anyway.

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’s store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet, and was in the checkout queue, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I’m now banned from TESCO’s.

Better watch what you ask retired people, they have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Grammar Lesson


My thanks to my sister, Chris, for brightening my day by sending me this in an email.

Sex And Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in
for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his
shoulder, warned,

This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,

How do I stop the medicine from working?

Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,

1-2-3!

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,

What was the > 1-2-3 for?

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Enjoy