Given the latest cutbacks in our armed services I suspect this is a new weapons training exercise.
No shells – We can’t afford ’em.
No missiles- We can’t afford ’em.
Get the lads up on deck to wack a few hard balls at the enemy.
That’ll scare ’em.
Navy cricketers have a practice with a difference on ship – East Hampshire – The News.
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”. I called mine “Sex”.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me when I went to the city hall to renew the dog’s license for Sex. I told the clerk I’d like a license for Sex he said. “I would like to have one too!”. Then I said, “she is a dog!!”. He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “you don’t understand. I had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “but Sex has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around Sex.” He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the justice of peace. My family was barred from the church then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, “you don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “me too!”
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, Sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. “You don’t understand!!” I said. “I hoped to have Sex on TV!!”. He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “your honour. I had Sex before I was married, but Sex left me after I was married.” The judge said, “me too!!”
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist, she asked me, “what seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all of my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn’t live any longer. So lonely.” The doctor said, “look mister you should understand sex isn’t a man’s best friend. So get yourself a dog.”
I’ve found the simplest way to stay healthy is to keep breathing. I tried stopping once. Not a pleasant experience.
Two other great tips for keeping healthy are to eat plenty of food and wash it down with lots of liquids. preferably of the alcoholic variety.
Already bored to death with the whole wedding thingy I am hereby breaking my vow not to comment on the event.
And why am I doing that ?
Because of the media brouhaha that is being generated by the realisation that Buck House will have turned of their lights just when some over paid presenter wants to stand in front to bore the folks at home…. i.e America, Australia, Canada etc etc.
It defies belief that these media loons would get so bent out of shape. Who’s country is it anyway.
Who cares if their over paid, over primped presenters don’t have a nice backdrop. Get over it……Yawn !!!
US broadcasters beg Buckingham Palace to keep the lights on – Telegraph.
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq … Why don’t we just give them ours?
It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we’re not using it anymore.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this – You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’, ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians…..It creates a hostile work environment.
Thanks again Sue.
Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Once again thanks to sister Sue for the smile.
Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below suggestions for fixing England’s economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
Thanks to sister Sue for forwarding this to me. Put a smile on my face.
But not everyone is as lucky as I am……
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald’s, and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ‘ouncer’.
Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children’s names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally…
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan .. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
It is ridiculous to claim that video games influence children. Nonsense!
For instance, if Pac-Man affected kids born in the eighties, we should have seen a bunch of teenagers who ran around in darkened rooms and ate pills while listening to monotonous electronic music
WrAnTz 