Nerves

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done and what he could do about his nerves. The Monsignor replied, “Just in case I start getting nervous at the pulpit, I always have a glass of vodka next to the water bottle. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he started to get nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his chamber after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat me.”

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the Cherry”.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God”. and finally…

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.