Tag: humour

How Dense ?


Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration – this hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

Everything


What makes you laugh?

The question is, ” What makes you laugh?”

The answer, for me, is “Everything.”

Everything is fair game as a subject for a laugh, and I can find humour in just about any situation.

I will laugh at jokes, be they one liners

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

or shaggy dog stories

A tall, weather-worn cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger’s hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket, and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper. The sheriff walks in, and of course, he arrests him immediately — for rustling.

Nothing gives me greater pleasure than sharing a “dad joke” or, in my case, “grandad joke” with my grandchildren, especially if it elicits a “Oh Grandad!!!” response accompanied by a groan. 

What’s an owl’s favorite kind of dance? The hooooooola!


What’s a ballerina’s favourite numbers? Two-two!

To be fair, these usually trigger eye rolling from my wife and kids, too.

Also, I am not averse to a little schadenfreude

e.g. after a waiter treats you badly, you secretly enjoy seeing him trip and slop food on the floor

I am pretty sure my sense of humour has been developed due to exposure to my father, ex matelot, and policeman.

My dad had to deal with many incidents as a policeman, and at times, his humour was quite dark. I think most folks who work in emergency services develop dark humour as a form of protection. I think some of that rubbed off on me.

My sense of humour was further enhanced by my working life, initially as a Fitter & Turner in Pompey Dockyard working with like-minded colleagues as well as alongside more matelots on RN ships.

Matelots have a wide ranging, some might say, disrespecting humour. Brought about by the unique environment in which they work. Again, working alongside some of these guys has had an effect on me.

So, everything has a funny side, at sometime, you just need a warped mind like mine to see it.

And finally …..

1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”

3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.

5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.

6. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

7. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

8. What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.

Friday Wisdom – Insurance


This was too good not to steal.

I had to talk to an insurance agent today. Nothing serious, but apparently you have to actually pay them for the policy to be in effect. Who knew? Anyway here’s everything else I know about insurance: The manager at the insurance office told all his employees, “You’ve worked really hard this year and as a reward I’m giving […]

Friday Wisdom – Insurance

Hairy


I thought it was time for a little cultural exchange.

So, for your delectation, I present you with a short poem courtesy of Jim Pitts of Brett Marvin and the Thunderbolts

Hairy – Jim Pitts

I grow whiskers on my chin. I grow them on my chest
I grow them on my knees and legs, but the ones that l like best
Grow wild up and down my back and poke out through my vest
My mother says that lots of hair will keep out all the cold
And still, I’m quite a pretty girl and nearly twelve years old

Get Your Ducks In A Row


It’s all about ducks:

Induction – Adding a duck
Deduction – Removing a duck
Reduction – Replacing a worn out duck
Production – Supporting ducks
Conductor – The duck in charge
Abduction – Sit-ups for ducks
Subduction – An underwater duck
Introduction – When ducks meet
Conduction – Moving a duck
Seduction – Ducks in love
Reproduction – Making copies of ducks
Ducting – What ducks do
Deductible – Offset your duck against tax
Duct tape – to record the duck, as there is no echo