My Resume


  1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, But I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.
  2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
  3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it — mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
  4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
  5. Then,  I tried being a Chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.
  6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.. I couldn’t cut the mustard.
  7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.
  8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patience.
  9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried hard but just didn’t fit in.
  10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.
  11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
  12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
  13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.
  14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was the same old grind.
  15. So, I tried Retirement and found …. I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

The Return


Have been back a couple of days now having spent a glorious 2 weeks on the island of Minorca and I have to say the return has been a bit of a shock.

First of all what about the weather ? Seems the UK has had generally better weather than we had. Then there is the 1st day back at work. Normally I power on my laptop and plough through hundreds of e-mails. But not this time.

Yup, I turned on my laptop. Remembered my Power On Password, no problemo. Long pause while the laptop blew the dust of all those important files, that no one knows anything about, then started to Windows crank up and asked for the password. One hour later I am still pondering what it was, having already made multiple wrong choices and berating myself for not writing it down. After all didn’t I have the same problem last year ???

Eventually, I struck gold and I was in. After what seemed like another hour while my laptop fired up the wireless connection, fired up AT&T something or other, informed me that there were numerous important Windows updates waiting (aren’t there always) I was finally able to fire up Bloated Goats. Sorry, Lotus Notes. The e-mail tool of choice for our company.

Anyway, I always cringe when I sign back on after a long break. There is usually a tidal wave of e-mails and some kind of panic underway. But not this time. Yes there were loads of e-mails but not the usual deluge. Biggest surprise has to be that there were no panics !!! Well there was one …. remember I had forgotten my Windows password.

So re-entry was relatively calm. Except now I’m becoming paranoid.

Where are all the e-mails. Have all my colleagues, scattered over the globe forgotten me ?

Where are the usual panics ?

I have my suspicions. They have saved them all up for my return as part of a global conspiracy and will unleash them in one huge tsunami.

Or is there really peace on earth ?

Come On FIFA, Its Time To Wake Up


I’m not a football fan but I have watched a few games over the last couple of weeks and it is blindingly obvious.

Its time football embraced the use of the technology available to support the referees and referees assistants. Didn’t they used to be called linesmen ?

There have been so many wrong calls during the world cup, highlighted by the TV cameras having better views than the refs. Not the least of which the disallowed goal in the England / Germany match.

Minimum Term Of 40 Years “Appropriate” ???


It’s a shame that the Payne family have had to go through this farcical process just to see Roy Whitings term reduced by 10 years, following his appeal against the 50-year “tariff” applied by the then Home Secretary David Blunkett in 2002.

Whiting, currently 51, will be 82 before he is eligible for parole. This assumes that he reaches that age.

Shouldn’t life mean life ?

Immigrants Must Speak English


English rules tightened for immigrant partners

Surely it was an obvious requirement that anyone settling in the UK must be able to speak english. Am I the only one who believes this.

For all types of immigration the requirements should be …..

  • True asylum seekers
    Might not meet that condition initially but it should be a requirement that they attend classes and reach an agreed minimum standard within, lets say, 12 months.
  • General Immigrants (not tourists)
    Must have a minimum level of spoken english
    Must have a minimum level of written english
    Failure to meet either requirement should result in their application, to reside in the UK, being rejected. Let them re apply when they can demonstrate the required level has been attained.

Am I being too harsh. I don’t think so. I would expect nothing less from any country that I planned to settle in. Why would you plan to live in a foreign country unless you plan to integrate into their culture. Isn’t that why you went there in the first place, because it was foreign ?

There is nothing worse that the expat communities in Spain, Greece, Italy, Portugal etc.. Everywhere you see signs declaring English Sunday Lunch, English Breakfast, English Pubs and so on. Then the “new locals” wonder why they are seeing a rise in “anti Brit” crimes in their community.

Seems just like England.

Congratulations to the British government for waking up…….. you are only 50 years too late.

Sarah Payne Murderer Must Never Get Parole


Sarah Payne Murderer Awaits Parole Ruling

Roy Whiting must never get parole. What possible grounds are there to release such a person back into the public domain.

Sarah had her life snuffed out. She has no future. Her family have a lifetime of living with the knowledge of  what this animal did.

Therefore, if we are not to have the death penalty, anyone who takes a life should live there lives under lock and key.

No World Cup & No Tennis For Me


Thats right,  I’m going to miss the bulk of the  World Cup, all of  Queens and most of  Wimbledon.  Am I sad ?

No. Not at all.

I will be hidden away in the warm Minorcan sun with a good book or three,  some good company and several cool ones.

A Cold One

Cheers !!!

Bin Tax Scrapped – Hooray !!!


“The Government has finally scrapped Labour’s “pay as you throw” plans for a bin tax”

Have you ever heard of anything that was so patently wrong ?

We the consumer were going to be taxed on the amount of rubbish that we throw into our bins.  The then labour government and the local authorities seem to spend so much time looking at different ways to squeeze more money out of the consumer.

Why is that ?

It couldn’t be because we are an easy target, we don’t have the money to fight back and we don’t have the ear of the politicians.

Why don’t they, the government and the powers that be, expend the same amount of effort and create some legislation to force the onus back onto the source of all this waste. By that I mean the manufacturers, the supermarkets, the post office and leaflet distributors.

My wife and I are both over 50, still working, cook every day etc. etc. We are both of an age and from the sort of background where we were taught not to waste food or pretty much anything. Our local authority provide two wheelie bins for waste disposal. One for general household waste, the other for recyclable items. The binnies empty each bin on alternate weeks.

So which bin is typically full ? The recycling bin of course. The general household waste bin is usually no more than a third full and that’s what makes me so angry. Whilst I can control what goes into the household waste I don’t have much control over what goes into my recycling bin because it is the manufacturers, the supermarkets, the post office and leaflet distributors that pretty much determine the content of that bin.

  • The supermarkets, it seems to me, package their products for appearance. Practicality does not come into the equation.For instance, why do the supermarkets insist on packaging 6 sausages in a plastic tray which is then wrapped or sealed with a clear plastic film. All of this is then inserted into a cardboard sleeve. How about they drop use of the cardboard sleeve ?  It’s a small step but it would be one less item that I have to carry home and dispose of.  Yes I could go to the butchery department and they would put my 6 sausages into a plastic bag with a paper label stuck on the outside. Much more environmentally friendly. However, not all the varieties of sausage available pre-packed are available there.
  • How about tins of  baked beans and tomatoes when bought in multiples or 4 or 6. These are variously supplied with plastic shrink-wrap, plastic rings or cardboard sleeves.Why not just do the price discount at the till and still supply the tins separately ? The technology is certainly thereMind you, watch out, as a multi-pack can be something of a con. A 4 tin multi-pack is not always cheaper than 4 singly priced tins.
  • Why do I get so much junk through my letter box ?
    The postman delivers leaflets for double glazing, insurance, pizza and lord knows what else alongside the legitimate mail. This negates all the trouble I’ve gone to opting to have all my utility bills delivered by e-mail.  At least with e-mail I can turn on the spam filters and reduce the amount of junk I receive.Even with the telephone there is the Telephone Preference Service to prevent cold calling although this is largely ignored by the overseas callers that still come through occasionally

    Where is the spam filter equivalent for the postman ?

    And what happens to all the leaflets that he has delivered….straight into my recycling bin. Well not quite straight there…. I do have to carry them from the letterbox to the wheelie bin. Perhaps I should place the bin next to my letter box.

  • Any time you buy a magazine they are filled with junk leaflets & scratch cards. I thought by subscribing to my favourite motoring magazine I would avoid all the crap. But no, there it all was secreted inside the shrink-wrap just waiting to drop on my carpet.
  • Pretty much on a bi-weekly basis the local kebab, southern fried chicken and pizza emporiums drop me their latest menus. And can anyone explain why one of our local fast food shops, that supplies all of the food variants previously mentioned, pretends to be three different shops and supplies three different menus but all with the same address and telephone numbers. But the menus are delivered on different days ???

If the government would pass legislation making it illegal to overpack and prosecute the companies that break the rules then we would have less waste going into the wheelie bins. Less waste to recycle.

If the government would pass legislation  making it illegal to post unsolicited leaflets through my letterbox there would be less waste going into the wheelie bins. Less waste to recycle.

If the Post Office would provide some mechanism that allowed me to opt out of receiving the junk mail they currently insist on delivering through my letterbox there would be less waste going into the wheelie bins. Less waste to recycle.

If they could just achieve just one of the above it would save oodles of money and make me feel a whole lot better.

Irish Biscuit


Well if that doesn’t take the biscuit !!!

The ministers of the Irish assembly at Stormont are planning to take an “away day” to conjure up some ideas on how to handle the cuts being handed down by the government.

Presumably that’s cheaper than all meeting in the usual place ……. Stormont ???

No Knee Jerking Please


Already, following the Derrick Bird shooting spree in Cumbria, there have been calls for toughening of the gun laws in this country. This is the typical knee jerk reaction that we saw after Hungerford and Dunblane.

I ask you how would that help ? How would tougher laws have helped Derrick Birds victims ?  Derrick Bird had, apparently,  held a gun license for over 20 years with no signs that he was anything other than a law-abiding citizen. No indications that he was a risk.

There have been mass killings or attacks in the past where either guns or knives have been used and we have had legislation for years.

The UK knife legislation makes it illegal to carry certain types of knife or knives with blades over a certain size. That doesn’t stop the yobs from wandering our streets carrying everything from flick knives thru hunting knives to samurai swords. It didn’t stop a machete wielding individual from attacking children in a Wolverhampton school.

There will always be bad people out there who will circumvent all the legal controls to get what they want. And then there are the folks who just explode into bad actions as a result of drugs, alcohol, mental or anger issues.

You cannot legislate for spontaneous events which, so far, the events in Cumbria appear to have been.