No, not the children’s game immortalised in the Winnie The Pooh stories.
I am referring to the game played by adults of a certain age. The NHS initiates this game. As part of their Bowel Screening Programme they send a package through the post requesting a sample of your poo. You then return it to them and they analyse it.
I’ve played this game with them for several years. Presumably, I was winning because I never heard back from them. No news is good news, right!
That continued until late last year when I was invited to a telephone consultation.
They had discovered some traces of “non visible blood.” The net of that hour long conversation was their decision to offer me a colonoscopy. I say offer because it was left open for me to decline the procedure.
What sort of cretin would I have to be to decline ?
You are 73 years old. Your body is wearing out. When the professionals are concerned enough to contact you, it’s only polite to accept.
And so an appointment was made for a colonoscopy and a package duly arrived in the post. Said package contained several pages of information about the procedure. It also included a blow by blow script for the preceding seven days and three sachets of Picolax.
It seems, understandably, that before a colonoscopy the medics like you to clear your tubes. So, for seven days I had to follow a “low residue/low fibre diet”. That is to say I had to cut out all foods containing fibres which are hard to digest. This helps reduce the amount of undigested food passing into my large bowel.
Adhering to this diet presents extra challenges when preparing meals. Those bad boy fibres are really sneaky, popping up when you least expect them. Also many of them are contained in favourite five a day fruits and vegetables.
For example you can eat potatoes but not the skins. You can eat pretty much any root vegetable, like carrot, swede, and turnip. Just make sure they are peeled and well cooked. They should be soft enough to mash. No peas, beans, citrus fruit or berries etc. and no seeds or grains. Even onions are a no-no. The list is endless.
Over the last few days I have become a nervous food prepper/eater. I was preparing some bell peppers for dinner only to find that they are not allowed. Similarly, on Sunday I was holding a glass of red wine when I decided to consult Dr. Google. Nope, red wine is not allowed, in fact turns out I should be avoiding alcohol in general.
Yes, you can make tasty meals acceptable for a low residue diet. However, they lack texture. They are also missing key ingredients to take the flavour to the max.
And so, here I am, having completed the low residue diet. Looking forward to my colonoscopy tomorrow. To be honest I am actually looking forward to eating real food tomorrow night. Just one more hurdle to cross, well two actually.
Hurdle number one is that today, 24 hours before my procedure, I am not allowed to eat anything. I can only consume clear liquids. These include water, squash, coke, lemonade, black tea/coffee, clear soup, marmite/bovril/oxo mixed into weak drinks with hot water. By this time tomorrow I will so hungry you may find me gnawing on a table leg
Hurdle number two, you may remember that earlier I mentioned Picolax. Picolax is a laxative and I have to consume three doses. The first was at 08:30 this morning. The next dose is scheduled for 12:30 and the last to be taken at 18:30.
Having read the instructions the only thing at the forefront of my mind is “Make sure you are close to a toilet”
Oh well, I suppose it’s all for the best.
Stay tuned.
Today, January 15th, was colonoscopy day.
WrAnTz 